Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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