By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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