You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
