Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
