I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
