Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
