So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
