i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
