I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize