im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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