No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
