Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
