Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Boobs are out for the taking
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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