this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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