So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
