were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Shame is for Republicans.
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