i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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