I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
