there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
