I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
