I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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