I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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