Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
