More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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