I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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