He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
