Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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