if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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