I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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