dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
