please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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