Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
