Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
