He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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