"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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