Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
