My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
