they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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