i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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