I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Randomize
