she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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