No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
