xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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