Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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