Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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