So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
