i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Come share oat with me in your robe
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