i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
