happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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