Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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