Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
