i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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