Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
