There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
