She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
