I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize