This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
