Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
