I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
