How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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