Already got asked if we're dating
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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