Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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